The Best Candy Ever

Shopping for people is a pain in the ass, regardless of their familiarity. It’s difficult to know what they want, what they already have, and in the end, you either get them a gift card or just straight up ask them what they want because we as a society still refuse to accept that sometimes cash is a fucking awesome gift. However, I recently discovered a gift that will endear even the most despised co-workers and family members to you and make them eternally grateful.

A few nights ago, I was strolling through my local Tops Friendly Market when I chanced upon the candy aisle. Feeling a hankering for Starbursts, the undisputed best non-fruit snack candy, I reached down to grab the jumbo bag of standard flavors when I noticed a new bag next to it, marked "Fave-Reds." As I gazed upon it and realized what was contained within, I felt time stop. I was Ponce de Leon at the Fountain of Youth. I was Buddha reaching nirvana. This was my Elysium.

You see, there are four flavors that come in the standard Starburst bag; cherry, strawberry, lemon, and orange. Of these, only cherry and strawberry are worth eating. The yellow Starbursts are like the Natty Light of lemon candies and orange only exists because someone wanted to know what it would be like to eat a citrus-flavored asshole. Cherry, on the other hand, is delectable, but the best, by far, are the pink, strawberry-flavored chews. Eating one is like going down on an angel.


If you’re anything like me, you hoard all the pink ones until the end so you can gorge yourself in an unrestrained frenzy of high-fructose corn syrup finery. However, to do so with a regular pack means enduring the nauseating orange and yellow ones first. Some people will tell you that the hard work and effort that goes into achieving a goal makes the victory all the sweeter. Those people are idiots. Replacing the orange and yellow ones with fruit punch (as good as cherry) and watermelon (not great, but still better than lemon or orange) is the most brilliant confectionery move since Reese's Pieces blackmailed M&M's into passing up ET.

"Drop out of the movie, or the photos go to Spielberg."

So pay mind, readers. If you really want to show loved ones how you feel about them, get them the Fave-Reds. It’s entirely likely they will die from hyperglycemic shock, but you can take solace in the fact that they died happy. And that those awful orange ones won’t fester in their lifeless bodies for all of time.

Pictured: Happiness

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Copyright 2011-2014 Chris Radomile